How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant..."You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You b*****d!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten b*****d!"

The judge stops and says to George in the back of the courtroom.

"Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes,
but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt.

Is that understood?"

George stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that a--hole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.

[layback40]

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large ta-tas.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.

He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.

Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.

Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber,

Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick.

[layback40]

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time,
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice
of toast and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking but I'm not hungry
right now. It's this Viagra," he says.
"It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something.
"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a
cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my
desire for food."
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious
apple pie or maybe a chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again.. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra.
I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving....."

[layback40]

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth.

Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth.

I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that snake, with two more frogs…!!

[layback40]

THE SPLINT

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have to put your p*nis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So the doc takes four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous chest.

This was the first time he saw them.

She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[layback40]

"Don't open that wardrobe!" shouted my wife as I was just about to, "Your Christmas present is in there!"
"Too late," I said, pulling open the door.
"You get me the shittiest presents!" I said, looking in. "Why the fuck would I want a half naked milkman?"

[layback40]

Dad was in the field ploughing when he noticed Mary run into the barn, A few seconds later Bruce runs into the barn after her. After about 20 minutes they still haven't come out of the barn, So Dad decides to see what they are doing.
As he walks into the barn he see's Bruce on top of Mary and he was going to town, Dad thinks to himself that dirty bastard and picks up a shovel and whacks Bruce on the arse with it Bruce jumps up and runs out side.
Mary was still lying on the floor trying to cover up her modesty; Dad looked down at her and said I didn't think you had it in you Mary.
Neither did I dad said Mary until you hit him on the arse with that fucking shovel!!!

[layback40]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"