How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter, snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight).
They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte !!
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'. And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment..... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
If you laughed at this pass it on. Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart, then you are just a sour old fart or tart.

[layback40]

As Paddy waited to be taken down to start his prison term, He was allowed a final minute with his wife Deloris....
He said, "Listen love, prison is a horrible place that changes people for the worse, and when I come out I doubt I'll be the same man you know and love. For that reason, I don't expect you to wait for me, so get on with your life straight away, meet someone else marry them and forget all about me, Most of all though, just stay strong and be happy".....
"Stay strong? Meet someone else? Get Married straight away? Deloris snapped,
"You're only doing a week for an unpaid parking ticket, you bastard"....!!!

[layback40]

Italian Relationship:
1st day= Sex
2nd day= Sex again.
French Relationship:
1st day = movies & kiss
2nd day = Sex
3rd day = Sex again
British Relationship:
1st day= hangout & kiss
2nd day = kiss & hug
3rd day= kissing, hug and smooching
4th day = sex and more sex
American Relationship:
1st day= Date
2nd day= Hug
3rd day= Hug again (warmly)
4th day= Kiss
5th day= Long kiss
6th day= Sex
Indian Relationship:
1st day= Toast
2nd day= Toast
3rd day= Toast again
4th day= Agree
5th day= Date
6th day= Date again
7th day= Date again with three of her hungry friends or cousins.
8th day= Date & Hug
9th day= Tried to peck but failed.
10th day = Peck
11th day= Tried to kiss but failed.
12th day= kiss.
13th day= Long kiss.
14th day= Tried to have sex but failed.
15th day= Tried to have sex but quarrelled
16th day= Didn't talk to each other.
17th day= Malice till the next day.
18th day= The man called but the woman didn't pick.
19th day= The man called, the woman picked and asked: "what is it?"
The man apologized and she replied: "Leave me alone, am not your type of girl".
The man continued to beg till the next day.
20th day= The woman accepted the unwarranted apology.
21st day= Hug.
22nd day= Long hug.
23rd day= Kiss.
24th day= Long kiss.
25th day= Tried to have sex but the woman complains that her phone is bad. Guy promises to buy her a new one.
26th day= Tried to have sex but the woman said until he buys the phone.
27th day= Tried to have sex but the woman asked: "where is the phone? You are not serious, call me when you are serious".
28th day= "Rape".
29th day= Police case.
Story end

[layback40]

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.” Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea. I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favourite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.” I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off. The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran. I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case. England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug. Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

[layback40]

1. The Australian Alps get more snow than the Swiss Alps.
2. 90% of Australians live on the coast.
3. Tasmania has the cleanest air in the world.
4. The Great Barrier Reef is the largest ecosystem in the world. It is made up of nearly 3,000 individual reefs and can be seen from space.
5. Australia has over 60 separate wine regions.
6. Fraser Island in QLD is the largest sand island in the world.
7. The Indian Pacific train has the longest straight section of train track in the world.
8. The Great Ocean Road is the world's largest war memorial.
9. 80% of Australian animals are unique to Australia.
10. Australia has the world's longest golf course measuring more than 1,350 kms long.
11. Australia is home to 21 of the world's 25 most venomous snakes.
12. It would take around 29 years to visit one new Aussie beach every day – there are 10,685 of them!
13. Australia is the 6th largest country in the world.
14. 91% of the country is covered by native vegetation.
15. 33% of Australians were born in another country.
16. Australia is the only continent in the world without an active volcano.
17. Australia is home to the longest fence in the world, the Dingo Fence. Originally built to keep dingos away from fertile land, the fence is now 5,614 km long.
18. The Australian dollar is considered to be the most advanced currency in the world – its waterproof, made of polymer and notoriously hard to counterfeit.
19. Australia is the only continent covered by a single country.
20. The world's oldest fossil was discovered in Australia – 3.4 billion years old.
21. Australia is home to more than 1,500 species of spiders.

[layback40]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00. Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith." A few years ago, year, I thought it would be good idea to purchase a cemetery plot as a birthday present for my mother-in-law... The following year, I didn't get her a present. She was not too happy about this and questioned why I didn't get her a present. I responded "Well, you still haven't used the birthday present which I purchased for you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... I went out for a few drinks with my wife to our local bar. We were enjoying a few drinks when I noticed that she kept on looking at a drunken man who was smashing back drinks all by himself in the corner of the room. I asked her, "Do you know that man?" "Yes", she said sadly, "He is my old flame who I dated in high school, I heard that he hit the bottle hard immediately after we broke up years ago, and he hasn't been a sober man since." "Oh my gosh!" I replied, "Who would think a person could continue celebrating for so long?" And that's how the fight started... My lovely wife kept dropping hints about what to get her for her upcoming birthday. She told me, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 4 seconds." I went out and bought her a bathroom scale. And that's how the fight started...... My husband was standing naked in front of the bathroom mirror. He had a look of frustration on his face and turned to me and said. "I no longer am happy with my appearance. I feel awful and I look wrinkled, fat and old. I really need you to give me a compliment to make me feel better." I responded, "My darling, you have 20 20 vision." And that's how the fight started... I was in bed watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with my wife. I rolled over and asked her ‘Do you want to have some fun?' She looked me in the eye and quickly responded with a resounding "No". I proceeded to ask her, 'Is that your final answer?' ... Without hesitation she replied, 'Yes..' I then said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started.. On Saturday I was out with my husband for a few drinks. I pointed over at another couple night sitting at a table and said to my husband, "do you see that couple over there? He gives him a kiss every few minutes. Why don't you do that?" He replied, "That sounds great, but I don't even know her." And that's when the fight started. My wife kept playing with her wedding ring so I asked her, “honey, why do you keep turning and twisting your ring?” To which she replied, “I am trying to figure out the combination.” And that’s when the fight started! My husband and I were lying under the bed covers when he touched my back, I said, "that feels great." He continued to touch my leg, I then said, "wow, you know that feels even better." Then all at once he stopped. I asked him, "why did you stop darling?" He replied, "I found the remote." And that’s when the fight started. I went shopping with my wife to buy me some new business shirts but found that the largest size the store had was still too tight. I asked my wife, "Where do I go from here?" My wife replied, "Straight to the gym!" And that's when the fight started. The other day my husband was having a few beers and said to me, " I am the man of this house. You will wash, cook and clean. You will also rub my feet and shoulders!" He then went on to ask me "Now can you guess who is going to help me dress?" To which I replied, " the Funeral Director?" And that's when the fight started. My youngest son asked my husband, “Dad, what is an alcoholic?” He replied, “Do you see those 4 trees? An alcoholic would see 8 trees.” My son responded, “But dad there are only 2 trees.” And that’s when the fight started. My husband was recently stopped by a police officer who said, “Congratulations, sir! You are the 1,000,000th car to drive over this bridge – you win $10,000! What will you do with that money?” My husband gets very emotional and says, “First of all, I’ll finally obtain my driver’s license!” I cut in and said, “Don’t listen to him, officer, he’s still drunk!” My mother in law says from the back seat, “I knew we shouldn’t have taken this stolen car!” And my cousin in the trunk asks, “Hey, are we passed the border now?” And that’s when the fight started! Last Sunday morning I got up at 6am to go fishing. I got out of bed very quietly, got dressed into my fishing clothes and made my sandwiches. I went into my garage, hooked up the boat trailer up and started driving out in the heavy rain. I turned the radio on to hear that the wind and rain would be relentless all day, so I thought, bugger this I am going back home to bed. I drove home and snuck back into bed cuddling up to my wife's back; now with a different hope for the morning, and whispered, "The weather out there is just awful." My lovely wife of 10 years replied, "yeah, can you believe my husband is out fishing in this?" And that's how the fight started....

[layback40]

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk" !!
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So, the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says
"What the hell would they want with a plasterer" ???

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins."
"That's odd," answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!"
A nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!"
"That's weird," answers the second man. "I work for the 3M company!"
A nurse tells the third man, "Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets!"
"That's strange," he answers. "I work for the Four Seasons hotel!"
The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong?" the others ask.
"I work for 7 Up!"

I was walking home late one night after work. It was so late that the buses weren’t running in this part of the city. I decided to take the shortcut through the cemetery since it would cut half an hour off my trip. As I approached the cemetery gate, I saw three young women standing there nervously. They were dressed up in nice clothes and high heels, possibly going home after a night out. They asked if they could accompany me since they were nervous walking through the cemetery at night. Of course, I agreed and we started walking.
I reassured them, “I completely understand your concerns. This place used to freak me out when I was alive too.”
I was not aware just how fast you can run in high heels.

I spotted several pairs of men’s jeans at a garage sale. They were sizes 30,31 and 32 but I was looking for a 33. So, I asked the owner of he had a pair. He shook his head. “I’m still wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come back next year.”

During a wedding, the bride’s father – who was a doctor – got up to read his speech, which he had written on some paper. He stopped several times, possibly overcome that this day had finally arrived, until one long pause when he explained, “I’m sorry. I’m having trouble reading my writing. Does there happen to be a pharmacist here?”

A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Sheriff: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff: Colour of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sheriff: Colour of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sheriff: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sheriff: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and underglow wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!




























Collingwood won?

[layback40]

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So, they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So, this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "There's an old gearbox over there, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So, they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there looking at each other, then gazing into the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there", says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
And the old farmer said... "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to an old gearbox!"

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mummies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.
The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the college students!"

Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse you’re looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God. Jim nodded his head, “fine with me, can I take him for a test run?” Jim was having the time of his life this horse sure could run he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead “stop!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “yoyo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered “heyhey!” Jim screamed. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff. Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raised his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Thank God.”

And finally,

• When one door closes, and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
• Age 60 might be the new 40, but 8:00pm is the new midnight.
• The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
• When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
• I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
• Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
• When you ask me what I’m doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free to help you, it just means I am doing nothing.
• I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
• I don’t mean to interrupt people; I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
• When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
• Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, and that’ll freak you out.
• My luck is like a bald guy that just won a comb.