How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.

A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had 1 baby."

The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!"

The nurse goes away.

Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!"

The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the owner of the Minnesota Twins!"

The nurse goes away.

The nurse comes back and says to the third businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had triplets!"

The man says, "What a coincidence! I work for Triple Crown!"

The nurse goes away.

The nurse comes back and sees the fourth businessman alone on the bench crying.

She asks, "Why are you crying"?

The man replies, "I work for Seven Up"!

[layback40]

A suicide bomber died and went to Paradise, as foretold.
When he arrived there he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his 72 virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.
Allah looked at him for a moment, and then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because people like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So, you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous and frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail.
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity..?”
Allah replied, "Who told you they were women"..??

[layback40]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Foo_ kin Jay-sus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."

[layback40]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained.
"I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...
As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly:
"Same illness, better health plan. "

[layback40]

Hotel Property Maintenance A Hotel guest calls the Front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?" The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 458. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window." The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter." The man replies, "Listen, you idiot. The window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter."

[layback40]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said : 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.

What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

Bartender: 'Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'

Pirate: 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really...'

Bartender: 'What about that eye patch?'

Pirate: 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.'

Bartender: 'You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit?'

Pirate: 'It was my first day with the hook.

[layback40]

In a murder trial, the defence attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."



What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Why do they lock roadhouse toilets? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

What's another word for synonym?

If the cop arrests a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature: All Dante.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Schrodinger is driving when he’s pulled over by a police officer. The officer opens the car boot and finds a dead cat. “Did you know there was a dead cat in here? The officer exclaims. “Well, I do now.” Schrodinger says.



Some Christmas themed ones now:

What does a snow man eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes

What kind of bird can write? A penguin.

What do you can an old snowman? A Puddle

Why do mummies like Christmas so much? Because of all the wrapping.

What is green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet, ribbet? Mistle-toad

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart…

But the very next day your body rejected the transplant and you died.

On the first day of Christmas your true love gave to you … a partridge in a pear tree” Nothing because you’re single.

[layback40]

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him,
"Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said.... "but the bloody darts team hadn't!