How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months.

Then when they thought they were ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.

As the moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey One. Initiate!"

At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off.

Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey Two. Initiate!"

At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.

Another two hours later mission control announced, "This is mission control to the astronaut..."

At this the astronaut responded "I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything."

[layback40]

I just had a phone call . My best mate's Mother-in-law passed away this morning and he just finished with the undertaker .
I said 'I am sorry Jim , are you having her embalmed , buried or cremated?'
He said ' ALL THREE MATE I 'm taking NO CHANCES!'..

[layback40]

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.

After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

[layback40]

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.
The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child.
It went like this:
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"
One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"

[layback40]

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, David?"
"Well, ma'am, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,
"What's so funny, Billy?"
"Well, ma'am, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Heck, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

[layback40]

An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.“Yes, how can I help?” asks St Peter.“I’m here to meet Jesus,” says the Indian man.St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, “Jesus, your cab is here!”

[layback40]

New research has suggested that 1 in 3 men are too fat to see their own penis.That's quite a good statistic, bearing in mind 9 out of 10 fat women never see one either..

[layback40]

A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving.
The woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if the problem was with her. She had been hard of hearing since she was little. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions.
He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle."
The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong.
She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel."