How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Two irishmen paddy n mick are having a drink watching the football in micks house.

At full time paddy gets up to go home but notices it is pissing down with rain,

"Stay the night here paddy,i'll go and make up a bed for ye"

When mick came back down the stairs paddy was drenched to the skin,

Mick says " what the heck happened to you"

Paddy says " I went home for my pyjamas

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A LETTER FROM A 69yr OLD FEMALE TO AN AGONY AUNT:

Dear Deidre,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It's so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around, shoot pool with his buddies and have sex with hookers, while I work so hard to pay our bills.
Since our daughter went away to college and then married, he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian. Please help. What should I do?
Confused…..

Dear Confused,
Grow up and dump him.You don't need him anymore. For fuck sake woman, you're running for President of the United States, get a grip!

[layback40]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite"...!

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

Mick phoned, . . . You left your Wheelchair at the Pub."

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For any single members out there wanting to know what it's like to be married.
I'm on day three of an argument I didn't know I was having..

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A lawyer was late for an appointment at his office and decided to run a stop sign. As luck would have it, a farmer was proceeding through on his tractor at that very moment, and there was a tremendous crash! Fortunately, no one was hurt.

The lawyer decided to go on the offense and jumped out of his car.

"You idiot!" he yelled. "Why weren't you paying attention? Now I'm gonna be late for my appointment. You better believe you're gonna regret this day!"

The farmer calmly surveyed the scene. "Look, young fella, you're all worked up. Neither one of us is hurt -- it's just our rides that are a little banged up," he said. Then he reached into his pocket, pulled out a hip flask and offered it to the lawyer. "Here, why don't you take a slug of this whiskey. It'll help you calm down."

After a moment, the lawyer accepted and took a deep drink. A bit later, he tipped up the flask and took another swig. Then he returned it to the farmer, who closed the flask and put it away.

"Don't you want any yourself?" asked the lawyer.

"Not just yet," answered the farmer. "I'll wait until after the police leave."

[layback40]

A Chinese Man walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says,

"You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour , get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour , it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." The Chinese replies,

"Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

[layback40]

A teacher asks her class "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?" Little Paddy raises his hand and says, "Yes Miss, it's Trudy Glen." "No Paddy, it's Maid Marian." "But Miss, what about the song? Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen."

[layback40]

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps?A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

Again he declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!.