How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "But a man is sitting on the well!"

[layback40]

I took my son to school for the first time today and was amazed at the amount of mums turning up in 4 x 4's.
I thought to myself, they will never use those for off roading.
Then I saw them trying to park!!.

[layback40]

My chinese frend told me she was desperate 4 a roger ... It was when i had my pants around my ankles that i realised she wanted 2 rent her spare room out!!..

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My Missus gets everything mixed up......I get my steaks well done, and my Blow Jobs are Rare..

[layback40]

A young girl walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke who had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a pub. He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves.
"You lying toad" she yells" last night you told me you were a stunt pilot"
"No" he says "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team!!..

[layback40]

I took a girl back to my house for sex last night and after 30 seconds my cock went floppy.
She looked at me and said, "Surely you can do better than this?"
"Of course I can," I said, "But you shouldn't put yourself down like that."

[layback40]

Whenever I have sex with the wife, she insists that we do it doggy style - I have to give her a treat afterwards.

[layback40]

Q: When should you buy a bird? A: When it’s going cheep!

Did you hear the one about the crow and the telephone pole? He wanted to make a long distance caw.

Q: There was a rooster sitting on a top of a barn. If it laid an egg, which way would it roll? A: Roosters don’t lay eggs!

Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea? A: Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be baygulls!

Q: How do you catch a unique bird? A: Unique up on it.

Q: How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely? A: With its sparrowchute.

Q: Why did the little bird get in trouble at school? A: Because he was caught tweeting on a test.

Q: What do you give a sick bird? A: Tweetment.

Q: Why does a stork stand on one leg? A: Because it would fall over if it lifted the other one.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, then cross the road again?

A: He was a dirty double crosser!



Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard

To get her poor daughter a dress

When she got there

The cupboard was bare

And so was her daughter I guess.



When I was a kid my dad and I had a running joke. If anyone asked what he did for a living I always said "He's a sports mechanic. He fixes boxing matches and horse races."

Once I answered a teacher this way. She flipped out and summoned my parents. Dad calmed her down by explaining it was a joke. "So what do you do?" she asked.

Dad, who is a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company said "I sell drugs."



A psychiatrist on holiday became fascinated by the antics of an apparent simpleton who had set up a sign on the beach which stated "Seagulls for Sale."

"That's why we are needed" he said to his wife. "I think I will humour him."

"How much are the seagulls" asked the psychiatrist

"Only a fiver each" the jolly hawker replied

"Okay" said the psychiatrist "I'll buy one."

The hawker took the $5 note and pointing skywards said: "That's your one up there."