How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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My man was sitting on the sofa last night reading a book called, "100 ways to please your woman."
I said, "Don't bother reading any of that nonsense, you only need to do two things for me and I'll be the happiest girl ever.
He smiled and said, "Aww, what's that then?"
I said, "Pack your bags and f@rk off.

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I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour. On my last two dates, the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex.
Not sure of the brand but it had a distinct sharp, peppery smell.

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33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husband.
And 100% of pets say this crazy bitch won't shut the f@rk up!!..

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I was sat on a plane when a stranger turned to me and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
"What would you like to discuss?" I replied
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
I replied "OK,That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," I said, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

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A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van, complete with shag carpet, hanging beads, and big double mattress in the back. Suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van-aerial disease that I've ever seen."

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What do you call a ISIS member who owns both sheep and goats?
Bisexual.

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So,
where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at
no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well
and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder,and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who messed up your hair!?.

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My wife just told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day at school.
So I punched him in the face and stole his dinner money.