How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two!

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi darling", he says, "your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.

Hope you have said hello to them.

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Man in the circus in the Lions cage, says to the audience "i can make this Lion suck my cock". The Lions growling, the man takes out his cock then hits the lion over the head with a stick, the Lion stops growling opens his mouth and starts sucking the mans cock! The man then turns to the audience and arrogantly says "would anyone else like to try this"? An old woman puts her hand up and says "Yes me, but dont hit me with that stick",

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a man goes into a bar and orders a pint another man walks in sits down next to him and they start chatting after a few more,the second man says to the first 'ill bet you wont jump out that window and walk back in. the first man not one to out dared says yeah but whats it worth 'ill bet Ł300 you cant do it mate' says the second man. the first man thinks about this and says' ill bet you Ł600 you cant either' so the second man gets up takes the bet runs,jumps out the window 2 mins later strolls back in. the first man gives him the Ł600 quid and says right youre on im gonna do it,so off he runs jumps out the window and kills himself ,the barman says to the second man ' you need to stop drinking your a right ******** when your drunk Superman '

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Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma

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This time next month will be Christmas Day. So, when I saw this I realised its no longer too soon ha ha.
smile emoticon

I would like to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New year. Now living in the age that we do, I need to add some terms and conditions to my greeting.
During this festive season, anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way, is advised that a Risk Assessment will be required ...addressing the safety of an open sleigh..
This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. I would also advise against dashing and would recommend a maximum speed of 10MPH unless seat-belts are fitted..
Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered..
To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance..
Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by anyone working as shepherds during this festive season and are planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. This must be briefed to all shepherds and copies of signatures recorded..
The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory..
Following last years well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence..
While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to our bribery policy and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual,.
It is particularly noted that direct gifts of gold is specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions, such as frankincense, myrrh and other well known High Street body & bath oils..
Finally, in the recent instance of an infant found tucked up in a manger without a crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly..
Have a Merry Christmas and a Safe New Year.

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Letter From Grandma
Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Grandma

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I hate women who put their makeup on whilst driving. On the way to work this morning a woman crossed three lanes without watching where she was going, ending up in front of me.
I had to brake so hard that my razor landed in my cornflakes which splashed milk all over my newspaper.

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It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.


A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. His wife asks impatiently, “So is it a boy or a girl?” The logician replies, “Yes”


There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet…


Dear Algebra.

Stop asking us to find your X

He’s not coming back

We don’t know Y either.


(For viewers of the Big Bang Theory) Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t


A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus… “You mean a Martini?” The bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”


Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of a sudden the phone rings… Pavlov gasps, “Oh crap, I forgot to feed the dogs.”



There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.


How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? … Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”


A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage…. The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”


I’m thinking about selling my Theremin… I haven’t touched it in years.


What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?