How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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  • layback40
    Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
    • Jan 2011
    • 13894

    If you are 40 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
    When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious shit about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... barefoot... BOTH ways Blah,Blah, Blah
    And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of shit like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
    But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
    You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a FUCKING UTOPIA!
    And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!
    I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the bloody library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
    There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pencil!
    Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there!
    Stamps were 5 pence!
    Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick the shit out of us! Nowhere was safe!
    There were no MP3' s! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
    Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and fuck it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause - that's how we rolled, get it?
    We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
    And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
    When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mum, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
    We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... forever!
    And you could never win.
    The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
    You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!
    NO REMOTES!!!
    There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you SPOILED LITTLE BRATS!!
    And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the cooker! Imagine that!
    That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You little arseholes wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or before!
    Regards,
    Grumpy Ole Fucker
    98&01XJVMs,06&07KJCRD's,No longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club

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    • layback40
      Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
      • Jan 2011
      • 13894

      A man walks into an Ann Summers shop and asks for a see-through negligee, size 48-50-56.
      The shop assistant looks at him and asks, "Why the fuck would you wanna see through that!!.
      98&01XJVMs,06&07KJCRD's,No longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club

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      • layback40
        Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
        • Jan 2011
        • 13894

        I've just applied to take part in an adult movie.
        The advert says that male applicants must be bigger than 7 inches.
        I should be fine then, I'm 5ft 10.
        98&01XJVMs,06&07KJCRD's,No longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club

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        • layback40
          Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
          • Jan 2011
          • 13894

          "You won't need condoms, I've had the snip, " I said to this easy girl.
          "Bugger me," she replied, "you're not kidding, just how much of it did they snip off? "
          98&01XJVMs,06&07KJCRD's,No longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club

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          • layback40
            Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
            • Jan 2011
            • 13894

            I got fed up of my sarcastic missus going on about how much of a scruffy disgusting fat slob I was.

            So I started going to a Gym, got myself in good shape with a tremendous six pack, had my hair done and a manicure.

            Then one night I stripped off in front of her while she was watching the telly.

            "Wow, " she said, "you look fantastic. I can actually see your cock again. I'd almost forgotten how small it was. "......
            98&01XJVMs,06&07KJCRD's,No longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club

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            • layback40
              Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
              • Jan 2011
              • 13894

              You are the laziest worker we have ever employed , always late, been caught asleep on a few occasions, never reach your target, and are so lethargic it's unreal. I thought you said you used to work on a farm? "
              "Yes, I did" I replied. "A cannabis farm!!..
              98&01XJVMs,06&07KJCRD's,No longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club

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              • layback40
                Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
                • Jan 2011
                • 13894

                Handing over my I.D. at the post office, the clerk blurts out, "You've aged a bit since this photo was taken."

                "You're dead right love!" I replied. "I had it taken just before I joined your fucking queue."
                98&01XJVMs,06&07KJCRD's,No longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club

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                • layback40
                  Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
                  • Jan 2011
                  • 13894

                  Ponder on these imponderables for a minute......
                  1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
                  2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
                  3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
                  4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
                  5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
                  6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
                  7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
                  8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
                  9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
                  10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
                  11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? (I like this one alot!)
                  12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
                  13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
                  14. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?
                  15. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?
                  16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
                  17. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
                  18. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:
                  19. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
                  20. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
                  21. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?..
                  98&01XJVMs,06&07KJCRD's,No longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club

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