How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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young lady speeding to get to work goes flying over a bridge only to be pulled up by a cop with a radar, you're in a bit of a hurry says the cop, sorry she says, just trying to get to work, well you must have a very important job if your willing to risk a ticket, what job do you do ? I'm a bum extender say's the lady, what the hell does a bum extender do he asked ? well she says, 1st of all you grease up one hand and slide it in then you slide in the other one next to it and stretch, infact you stretch it out to about 6 foot, bloody hell he says, what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole ? she said you give him a radar and put him on the other side of a bridge

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My mate was telling me he had found his 'Forever woman'.
"I found mine years ago, " I said, "forever moaning, forever eating, forever nagging!!..

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A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's
Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It
works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day!!..

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got a Rolex for an early birthday present from a couple lesbians friends of mine. Guess they misunderstood me when I told them "I wanna watch."

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THE VAIN PERSON One who loves the smell of his own farts. THE HONEST PERSON One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason. THE NERVOUS PERSON One who stops in the middle of a fart. THE SCIENTIFIC PERSON One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment. FOOLISH PERSON One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.

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A Squirrel Problem
There were four churches and a synagogue in a small Ohio town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue.
Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church . Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him and they haven't seen a squirrel on their property since!!..

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Bloke goes into drug store and asks, "Do you sell KY Jelly?"
Girl says, "No, have you tried Boots?"
Bloke says, "Boots? I want to slide in, not f@rkin march in!"

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Got a date tonight with a girl who says it's the little things in life she appreciates.
She's gonna love my cock then.