How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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Vegetarians are like Jehova Witnesses. They both always try and ram what they believe in down your throat.

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Bloke takes his wife to a party and after an hour he goes to the toilet. While he is away a man approached the wife and says, " I really want to suck your tits..." The wife get's all flustered and says, "my husband is in the toilet, I suggest you piss off or I'll tell him what you said and he is a violent man!" And with that the bloke slinks off with an apology. Another hour passes and the husband needs a pee again, so goes to the loo. While he's away the man approaches his wife again and says, "I really want to fondle your tits and sniff your minge." The wife is outraged and warns him, "My husband is very jealous and would batter shit out of you if I tell him...this is your last warning!" And with that the man slinks off. Another hour passes and husband goes to the bar. While he's away the man approaches the wife again and says, "I want to strip you naked, stand you on your head, fill up your ******** with Guinness and drink it all down." The wife was disgusted and said, "that's it, this time I'm telling my husband and he'll murder you!" And with that he slunk off and sat in the corner. When the husband came back the wife told him all about the man and what he said, expecting him to storm off and confront him. The husband sat down and looked sheepishly into his pint. "Aren't you going to do anything about him?" the wife asked. The husband looked and said, "No ********ing chance...if he can drink that much Guinness he's a better man than me!"

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I was at my girlfriends parents today when her mum offered me a cup of tea.
"I don't like tea thanks," I said.
"Well what do you like?" She asked.
"Hardcore porn, class A drugs and when your daughter let's us do ********."
"I was hoping coffee," she replied.

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A Preacher said: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river".
And the congregation cried,"Amen!"
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river".
And the congregation cried,"Amen!"
"And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river". Again the congregation cried,"Amen!"
The preacher sat down. The deacon then stood up& said: "For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing, 'We shall drink from that river".
THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED HALLELUJAH!!..

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Seven complicated facts about Women:
1. They believe in saving.
2. Believe in saving but buy expensive clothes.
3. Buy expensive clothes but never have anything to wear.
4. Never have anything to wear, but always dressed beautifully.
5. Always dressed beautifully, but never satisfied.
6. Never satisfied, but still expect men to compliment them.
7. Expect men to compliment, but don't believe them if complemented.
Extremely Complicated!

[bruggz351]

Seven complicated facts about Women:
1. They believe in saving.
2. Believe in saving but buy expensive clothes.
3. Buy expensive clothes but never have anything to wear.
4. Never have anything to wear, but always dressed beautifully.
5. Always dressed beautifully, but never satisfied.
6. Never satisfied, but still expect men to compliment them.
7. Expect men to compliment, but don't believe them if complemented.
Extremely Complicated!

Why do you think we invented alcohol?[emoji57]

Sent from my FRED

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When I die I want to be be reincarnated as a spider.
Just to hear the words "Oh my God, it's huge!!..

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A bloke walks into a pub with an Ostrich and a Cat, he buys a round of drinks. "Thanks" says the Ostrich, "I'm not buying you one back" says the Cat. The Ostrich goes up to the bar and buys a round. "Cheers" says the bloke, "I'm not buying you one back" says the cat. This goes on all night and eventually the barman says to the bloke " It's strange enough that you have come in here with an Ostrich and a Cat, but I've noticed the cat isn't buying any drinks. What gives?" The bloke says "I flipped a penny down a wishing well yesterday and said I wanted a long legged bird with a tight pussy!!..