How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

[layback40]

A cabin cleaner was cleaning the pilot's cockpit, when he saw a book titled, " : ." (Volume 1)
He opened the first page which said: "To start the engine, press the red button...". He did so, and the airplane engine started...
He was happy and opened the next page...:
"To get the airplane moving, press the blue button... "He did so, and the plane started moving at an amazing speed...
He wanted to fly, so he opened the third page which said: To let the airplane fly, please press the green button... "He did so and the plane started to fly...
He was excited...!!
After twenty minutes of flying, he was satisfied, and wanted to land, so he decided to go to the fourth page which said: "To be able to know how to land a plane, please purchase Volume 2 at the nearest bookshop!"

Never attempt anything without complete information. Half education is not only dangerous but destructive.
This is a warning to help us remember the dangers of having limited understanding and the significant effects it can have on our life.

[layback40]

A school teacher asked her class to make a sentence containing the expression “I presume”.
One little girl held up her hand and said: “Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes so I presume the dishwasher was broken.”
“Very good” said the teacher.
Another one said: “This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage. I presume the BMW wouldn’t start.”
“That’s excellent” says the teacher.
Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: “Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and he headed for the bush, I presume that....”
The teacher interrupted him and said, “I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can’t presume anything.”
Johnny says, “Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence.”
The teacher says, “Very well. Continue.”
“As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a shit because he can’t read

[layback40]

Little Johnny just come downstairs from watching TV in his bedroom . He said " dad , what's love juice? " .
After nearly choking on his brew ,Big John said I'd better be honest and said " son , sit down I will tell you, when a women gets sexually excited , her vagina gets wet , and that's love juice.
Little Johnny just stared back at Big John in total bewilderment.
Big John said " anyway, what are you watching up in your bedroom.
Little Johnny said " Wimbledon "

[layback40]

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach.”The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?""I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately.""You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?""I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed."

[layback40]

• Welcome to the accounting department, where everybody counts.
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
• What do you call an accountant with an opinion? An auditor.
• How does Santa’s accountant value his sleigh? The Net Present Value.
• What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t? Depreciation.
• They say that two things in life are unavoidable: death and taxes. At least death only happens once!
• For every tax problem encountered there is a solution that’s straightforward, uncomplicated, and wrong.
• How many accountants does it take to screw in a lightbulb? How many did it take last year?
• What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet?
• Children may be tax deductible, but they’re still taxing.
• What’s the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion? Jail.
• An accountant is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
• What is the definition of a budget? An orderly system of living beyond our means.
• An accountant was having difficulty sleeping and went to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just cannot get to sleep at night “Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then I spend three hours trying to find it."

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So we can spread it on the bread made from ground up bugs!
As its made from CO2, it will give us a carbon credit.
Not for me!
Real butter made from real cream from real cows!


New Scientist ·
A new type of dietary fat that doesn’t require animals or large areas of land to produce could soon be on sale in the US as researchers and entrepreneurs race to develop the first “synthetic” foodstuffs.
US start-up Savor has created a “butter” product made from carbon, in a thermochemical system closer to fossil fuel processing than food production. “There is no biology involved in our specific process,” says Kathleen Alexander from the firm.
Instead, its butter is derived from the carbon in coal, methane or carbon dioxide. The petrochemical industry uses such inputs to create syngas – a blend of carbon monoxide and hydrogen – which is then turned into long-chain hydrocarbons in what is called the Fischer-Tropsch process.
Read more: https://www.newscientist.com/.../2438345-butter-made.../

[layback40]

Knock, Knock Who’s there? Nobel. Nobel who? Nobel…that’s why I knocked! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Needle. Needle who? Needle little help right now! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Canoe. Canoe who? Canoe come out now? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Candice. Candice who? Candice snack be eaten? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Boo. Boo who? Don’t cry, it’s just a joke. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Icy. Icy who? Icy you looking at me! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Tank. Tank who? You’re welcome. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Luke. Luke who? Luke through the peep hole and find out.